Published in My Home Magazine, a publication of Baptist Homes and Healthcare Ministries
When my dad passed after an eight-year battle with cancer, it left my mom a younger-than-most widow at the age of 63. My husband and I had moved back to my hometown a couple of years earlier, so it was just natural to incorporate her into our lives more. As the years passed, we had more and more conversations about her moving in with us once she had retired and was ready. Fast-forward to spring of 2020, and those conversations of “someday” changed overnight. We had a second baby on the way, mother’s retirement was a little over a year away and COVID-19 hit. With all the uncertainty, the possibility of Grandma seeing much less of her 2-year-old granddaughter and soon-to-be born grandson, “someday” became “today!”
In June of 2020, we both sold our houses and, together, bought a house large enough to accommodate a three-generation home. In a small town finding a home to meet our needs wasn’t easy, but there was one, and one is all we needed. We found a place that allowed mom to have her own walkout basement apartment (she even has her own doorbell) but also indoor access to the main floor of the house. So, our family of three (very soon to be four) moved in and two days later, Grandma joined us.
I would have loved to have allowed our family to adjust in the home first, but both of our homes sold within days of being listed so we didn’t really have much choice. Practically overnight, my husband and I became caregivers of two very small children and my mother. Even though my mother is active and in good health, we’ve had to recognize and admit that we are her caregivers. In addition, she has taken on a new role of caregiving for our family as well. One thing I’ve learned while researching and creating “Caring for the Caregiver” (left) was that you are more likely to care for yourself once you’ve recognized that YOU are a caregiver. Whether the burden is heavy or light, caregiving is part of being a family. The sooner we acknowledge it ourselves, the healthier we’ll all be for it, and take steps to develop healthy self-care habits.
Yes, there were a lot of adjustments and still are. Yes, we’ve had a lot of surprises and a lot of conversations about family responsibilities and the logistics of how it will all work. Yes, it is challenging as my mom and I work to reestablish relationship roles that are far different than the last time we lived together over 20 years ago. And yes, it has been beautiful to watch my daughter grow more and more comfortable with having Grandma be a part of her daily life and to see my infant son light-up when Grandma says hello. For me personally, it has been great to know that my mom isn’t sitting in her house alone. I like not wondering if she is eating healthy meals, having enough social interaction, feeling well or any of the many other worries an adult child can have regarding an aging parent. Our life now incorporates Grandma. When I tell my daughter we are going somewhere, she always adds, “And Grandma?!” Mom doesn’t always go everywhere with us, but most of the time the answer is “Yes, and Grandma!”
Amanda Evans and her husband Nathan own Blue Duck Marketing, a communications contributor to the Baptist Homes since 2007. In addition to their service to the Baptist Homes, the Evans Family collects encouraging stories of caregiving and chronicles lessons-learned from multi-generational living on their website www.AndGrandma.com.